Week 1

Jedi Knights (123) vs Dirty Birds (85)
Proving that if you talk the talk you gotta walk the walk, the Dirty Birds were humbled by almost 50 points and the quiet Jedi Knights proved again that being loqacious means nothing if you can't back it up on the football field. The Birds highly touted QB tandem of C.Palmer and J.Delhomme combined for 9 points. TJ "Houshmazilli" (Championship!) didn't even play and second RB R.Droughns might as well stayed home with 2 pts. K A.Vinatieri was one of the top scorers for the Birds, that's never good. Keep in mind that the Knights dominated with top picks Steve Smith, Ronnie Brown, and Clinton Portis on the bench. That's right, they won easily without their three best players. Hines Ward (13) and Tony Gonzalez (19) were stellar. Also, credit a great defense (Baltimore, 19 pts) and kicking game (Shayne Graham, 12 pts) for steadying the Knights. Return of the Jedi indeed.

Pizza the Hut (116) vs Brown Starz (77)
There's no shame in losing to last year's champion. Fear, awe, intimidation, these are all tools that Pizza the Hut can use this year. Of course, the Brown Starz must be a bit disheartened that they couldn't even put up much of a fight. Indeed, Big Mistake Jake Plummer had -2 pt for the week. The only bright spot in this loss was the hard running of Corey Dillon for the Starz. Otherwise, a totally forgetful week. The Huts, on the other hand, proved that all it takes to win is a bit of Tiki (19.5), a touch of Julius (16.5) and a whole lot of Warner (25). The current champion also left about 100 points on the bench with Mike Bell (16), Frank Gore (29), Lavaranues Coles (19) and Kellen Winslow (16) all sitting this one out. Scary. Can we say "Repeat?"

Razor Ramon (130.5) vs El Nino's (117.5)
In this week's marquee matchup, former Hotel roommates (well, the most recent former Hotel roommates) and now bitter frenemies, beat up on each other to achieve a combined score of 248 points. Mr Pan, once again proving his amazing football acumen, had Donte Stallworth (23) and Reggie Bush (15) exceed all expectations. Donovan McNabb, emotional, spiritual, and physical leader for the Nino's had a butt kicking 25 pts. Still, no victory. In a week that defies categorization, the Razor Ramon's only had two players NOT score in double digits. While no player put up even 20 pts, the consistency of the overall roster powered Ramon to high powered victory and top dog status for Week 1. It also sounds like the GM of the Razors will be receiving a free Cheesecake meal -- to be paid by the defeated, and embittered, GM of the El Nino's.

Fobulous (117.5) vs The Dukes of Hazzard (74.5)
It looks like it's true, "You can't come home again (and still know your football)." Our favorite Italian-Korean put up a demoralizing Week 1 low of 74.5 points. The high point? Um, Wee Willie Parker had 13.5 pts? With QB Trent Green knocked out by a vicious hit and Madden Cover boy Shaun Alexander well on his way to bust status, Mr Kim(izzoli) should be worried. Our other foreign friend, FOB Jimmy Wu had a pretty nice week with his favorite boy LaDainian Tomlinson leading the way with 21.5 points. While QBs Drew Bledsoe and Mark Brunell were awful, the supporting cast of Tomlinson, B.Westbrook (21), Terrell Owens (17), A.Boldiin (14) and J.Shockey (13.5) all turned in excellent efforts on their way to an easy breezy victory. So Gene, how do you say "I got my butt kicked" in Italian? Or better yet, how do you say "Son of a terrorist whore!" Materazzi, out. Viva L'Italia!

Next Week: Pizza the Hut versus Razor Ramon!!!